These Certain Musings

I've a fabulous girlfriend who lives in the next town. We've known each other about ten years: went through first-degree black belt training and testing together, went through the loss of husbands together, and have watched each other's kids grow up. We can't get together often because our schedules rarely coincide. But her oldest daughter just graduated high school, so I made time to visit the graduation party yesterday.

While there, I met the usual couples who wanted to chat about their gardens, the weather, the superficial meaning of the latest sensational news story, the terribleness of their children.* Then my friend introduced me to another single woman, a woman she's worked with for years. In making small talk, I tossed out the fact I'd recently attended a feminist SFF conference. (Truly, if I want to suss out a potential conversation partner, putting "feminist" and "SFF" in the same sentence is an excellent guide.)

Then, for the two of us, the rest of the party disappeared for about half an hour. Within five minutes, the other folks at the table moved on to other conversations. The SFF part didn't interest this woman much beyond the basics, but feminist! In a small town in Indiana!

We talked about our mutual desire to remain single, and our shared wish for the occasional fling in an exotic location. We talked about raising children as a single mother who wants to raise forward-thinking adults who will find their own lives rather than children who follow the path we command. We shared our post-parenting plans, our uncommon (for this area) spiritual beliefs, and our endless attempts to find people like ourselves. Then we talked about alternate sexuality, inclusive relationships, and how we both love to have a community of strong and interesting women to learn from.

And when I had to leave, I stood up from the table and for the first time noticed the woman who must have been sitting right behind me the whole time. The look of shock and horror on her face was... absolutely amazing. I admit, I giggled. I have no idea who she was. But it was such a perfectly-timed demonstration of everything the other woman and I had discussed as stifling, that I couldn't help laughing all the way to my car.

And the friend who'd invited me to the party? She was not at all surprised we'd hit it off.

So I have a new social connection, and the day ended up being not so bad after all!



*I am mightily sick of parents who brag about their children's external accomplishments (Academic awards! Sports trophies! Perfect attendance!) then bitch about what horrid people they are (No gratitude! Never talks to us! Lazy!). It's the encapsulation of everything I hate about how I see so many children raised and educated.

The first ten minutes I spent thinking about this question had me putting on the Pouty Face of Thought. Then I realized just how simple the answer is.

I am defined by who calls me a friend.

That's not the same as those who depend upon me or those whom I call friend. It's the people who ask me to be around them on any occasion, the ones who want to share thoughts and experiences with me, the ones who trust me--and the ones with whom I want to do and share the same. These folks might have less or more education, politics to my right or my left, and head-shaking confusion over what I like and don't like.

But they believe we share the same human values. They'd trust me with their children or aging parents as I'd trust them with mine. And if we disagree, with do so happily because we are of the same mind on how to respect disagreements.

It's said that character is what you are when no one is looking. I believe friendship is what you remain when you're absent, and what you become as the friendship grows. Family might define our youth, but friendship distinguishes our legacy.